Drugs and Keys

I have been on some really good drugs this week. After spending the better part of a day in the emergency room with a kidney stone, and trying to get some relief with lesser drugs, the E.R. Doc finally had the nurse give me morphine. After that, I didn't feel the pain of the stone any longer, the pain of getting taken to the woodshed by LSU, or any other pain. In fact, I felt no pain at all. Morphine was the key to giving me some much needed relief. And thank God for that key.

Speaking of keys, there must be hundreds of books, pamphlets and DVD’s on the subject “Keys to Success.” I did a google search and came up with “Keys to success in marriage”, “Keys to success in business”, “Keys to success in life.” There were keys to success in dieting, financial management, attitude, career, motivation….the list goes on and on. Whenever I hear a phrase beginning “here are the keys to success in….” I think to myself, “does this mean that the answers were always in the box we carry around? Do we already have the answers and someone else just needs to open them up for us?” Sounds kinda metaphysical to me.

Rather than opening up a box today, I want to look around the box. Maybe it's the remnants of the morphine keeping my head a little fuzzy, but rather than giving you what I think are the keys necessary for Auburn to be successful against Ole Sis on Saturday, I am going to give you some non-essential skeleton keys that MIGHT just make the difference. Here are my skeleton keys for success:

Ole Miss is known for their cheer “Hotty Toddy”. A hotty toddy, according to Exquecher Rolls of Scotland, is a mixed drink of Scotch and water served hot so that it is more palatable to women. The word “toddy” comes from the Scottish “Tod’s Well”, which supplies Edinburgh with water.
Auburn, on the other hand, has “Bodda Getta”. Let’s be honest, here. You can’t really shout “bodda getta” without a belly full of Blue Ribbon Beer or Jack Daniels. There ain’t any “hottie toddy….hootsie tootsie” at Auburn. And at the end of the day, which one would you rather bring with you to a bar fight?

Next, Auburn has the champion mascot, “Aubie”. Aubie has been the College National Mascot Champion six (6) times since 1980. He has finished in the top five another seventeen (17) times. Aubie has made appearances on every major television channel, and is an ambassador for Auburn University.

Colonel Reb, on the other hand, died an ungraceful death. Ole Miss doesn’t use him anymore. He was bringing disgrace to their hallowed school for learned Mississippians. You might remember him: the white bearded old man wearing a wide-brimmed hat and carrying a cane. He was the mascot that caused websites to pop up everywhere calling for a boycott of “everything Ole Miss” because he was too much like a plantation owner. Unlike James Dean, Colonel Reb became “a rebel without a cause” and he became “Ole Dis-Missed”.

Finally, isn’t it interesting that the University of Mississippi is found in a town called “Oxford”? Somehow, those two words just don’t seem to go together….Oxford…Mississippi. As I recall from my grade school education I received in Alabama, this would be called an oxymoron. Two words of contradictory meaning used together for a special effect, such as “wise fool”, or “legal murder”. Another would be “Oxford, Mississippi”. Of course, it would probably be safe to say that most people in Mississippi wouldn’t know an oxymoron if it hit them, and in fact, probably think it is a stupid beast of burden who needs to be yoked and plowed.

Again, you just don’t have that with “Auburn, Alabama”.

And which one would you rather take to a bar fight. Someone from "Oxford", or someone from "Auburn"??

Call it drug induced dillusions, or call it guessing, I am tossing these skeleton keys on the floor.

I am boldly predicting an upset on the early afternoon Plains. The keys, when scattered on the floor, say “Auburn 27 – Ole Miss 24”.

And that’s as scientific as I can get it.

WJLaneSR

Gonna Have Big Fun....

“Thibodeaux, fountainbleau, the place is a buzzin’, Kinfolk come to see Yvonne by the dozen, Dress in style, go hog wild, me oh my oh, Son of a gun we’ll have big fun down on the bayou…..well jambalaya, crawfish pie and-a fillet gumbo, cause tonight I’m gonna see my mon cher amio, Pick guitar, fill fruit jar, and be gay-o, Son of a gun we’ll have big fun down on the bayou.”

Hank Williams first released this song back in 1952, and it reached number one on the country charts almost immediately. It remained number one for 14 straight weeks. The song is clearly Cajun in theme, and encapsulates the fun and excitement on a Saturday night in the Louisiana bayou.

Saturday night on the bayou. It’s that time again. Auburn and LSU. Strange things happen when these two old rivals come together. Allow me, for a moment, to stroll with you down memory lane.

It was 1988. Auburn’s national championship hopes were on the line. Auburn was leading 6-0 with less than two minutes left in the game. LSU quarterback Tommy Hodson threw a touchdown pass to Eddie Fuller which caused the crowd to roar so loud that it registered on the campus seismograph as an earthquake. LSU won, 7-6.

In 1994, LSU led 23-9 going into the fourth quarter. Auburn had a 13 game winning streak going on at the time. Auburn intercepted 5 Jamie Howard passes in the fourth quarter, returning 3 for touchdowns, giving Auburn a 30-26 victory.

The next year, down in the bayou, Patrick Nix dropped back to pass out of the Auburn endzone. He thought he heard a whistle blow, stopped where he was, and sacked for a safety. Auburn lost the 1995 game, 12-6.

The following year, in 1996, while the two sets of Tigers were playing at Jordan-Hare stadium, the old Sports Arena was burning to the ground. The flames were so high that they could be seen from inside Jordan-Hare. Jarrett Holmes missed three field goals that day, and LSU won 19-15.

In 1999, Auburn went into Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge on Tommy Tuberville’s birthday and showed no mercy. Not only did they beat the Bengal Tigers of LSU 41-7, they celebrated the win and the birthday by smoking cigars while standing in the endzone.

In 2001, the game was moved to December because of 9-11 and the World Trade Center tragedy. LSU won at home that night, 27-14. Tommy Tuberville had to get security to escort him to the team bus.

In 2004, Hurricane Ivan almost forced the game to be delayed until later in the season. However, on Friday morning it was announced the two teams would play as scheduled. The defending national champion Bengal Tigers came into Auburn and took a 9-3 lead. Because of a failed extra point, the Auburn Tigers were in striking distance. With 1:14 left to play, Jason Campbell hit Courtney Taylor for a 16 yard touchdown pass. Auburn missed the extra point, but a personal foul was called on LSU’s Ronnie Prude. The second time was a charm, and Auburn won, 10-9.

The winner of the 2004 game, John Vaughn, became the goat in 2005. He missed 5 field goals in Baton Rouge and LSU won 20-17.

In 2006, the pair of Tigers entered the game at Jordan Hare Stadium with their highest head-to-head ranking ever. Both teams were early season national title contenders. LSU led 3-0 at halftime. Auburn took the lead with a third quarter touchdown, and held on to win, 7-3. It was the lowest scoring game between the two Tiger teams since 1935, when LSU won 6-0.

The 2007 game was played down in the bayou , and will be remembered for the winning field goal kick that never happened. Down 24-23, LSU was driving the ball. They were within field goal range with the clock running. LSU had one time out left. In one of the most discussed plays of 2007, the Les Miles led Tigers decided to try a long pass to the endzone before a possible fieldgoal attempt. The pass was caught and LSU won 30-24.

Last year the College Gameday crew came to Auburn for the matchup between Auburn and LSU. Auburn took a 14-3 lead at halftime, only to come out and squander it. LSU changed quarterbacks, and ended up winning 26-21. It was LSU’s first victory at Jordan-Hare Stadium in 10 years.

Which bring us to 2009. Saturday night. A renewal of the rivalry between two foes. Strange things can happen down on the bayou on Saturday night. Does Auburn have one up its sleeve? What will Les Miles do? We’ll have to see……Son of a gun, we’ll have big fun down on the bayou.


WJLaneSR

Kentucky Fried

He was doing what any decent father would do. Protect his children. Is there a more noble duty? And in this case, they weren’t even HIS children. They were just children, and they shouldn’t be subjected to it. He was just doing what was right.

It happened last week in Norwell, Massachusetts. Jared Garfagna and his girlfriend, Sara Mohn, were waiting for their order. Not “patiently” waiting, mind you. After all, it takes a while to deep fry chicken.

According to the authorities, they started shouting vile profanities at the counter clerk, as well as toward the person cooking. There were children waiting in the order line, and a bystander, waiting for his order, told the couple to stop using profanity. He said, “There are children in line….watch your mouths.”

According to witnesses, this just made the couple curse even more. The man again said, “Please…don’t use that kind of language in front of these children. It isn’t appropriate!”

What happened next can only be described as foolish and stupid. The couple proceeded to hit and kick the man until he was on the floor of the local Kentucky Fried Chicken. He had lacerations on his head, under his eye, and across his cheek. By standing up for those children in line, he subjected himself to a Kentucky Fried Beating. Unbelievable.

Which reminds me of Saturday night, when the Auburn Tigers, of their own accord, subjected themselves to a Kentucky Fried Beating. Unbelievable.

Rather than standing up for innocent children, however, they were just standing up before the snap count. (Can anyone say, “Another illegal motion penalty”?)

Instead of putting the Wildcats of Kentucky away when they had multiple chances, Auburn was showing it’s undisciplined self by having, on one drive alone, six…count them…penalties. And when the defense had the chance to legally stand up and be counted…during the last six minutes of the game, it fell down on the floor and gave up two touchdowns AND a victory. A Kentucky Fried Beating.

The Tigers are now in a precarious situation. They must go on the road this week to Death Valley. Baton Rouge. The Tiger Den. LSU awaits on Saturday night.
If the Tigers don’t find an answer to their sudden impotence on offense, they won’t be Kentucky Fried this week. They’ll be filleted and gumboed.

WJLaneSR

Losing

Maybe it is apropos that I quote Mr. October. Although he was never a hero of mine, I can’t disregard his impact when post-season play began. I have some very good friends who are Red Sox fans, and to them I apologize for quoting a former nemesis from the Yankees. However, when the shoe fits, wear it.

Reggie Jackson once said, “I don’t mind getting beat; but I hate to lose”.

As I sat with a stoic stare at my old fashioned, non-plasma non-flatscreen television set on Saturday afternoon, that quote oozed from the depths of my memory. I had done all the screaming, fussing, cussing and discussing that was in me. I had no words left.

After watching a wide-open would-be touchdown pass float well beyond the receiver; after multiple fumbles causing multiple Arkansas touchdowns; after watching the Tigers sleep through the wakeup call until midway through the third quarter; after watching the first half offense look like it needed a dose of geritol; the quote hung in my craw.

“I don’t mind getting beat; but I hate to lose.”

But lose Auburn did. The Tigers lost in every facet of the game. They didn’t just get beat, because getting beat implies that both teams showed up and did their best and one team just got beat by a better team. Big Blue didn’t show up. Auburn had no fire in the gut. Sometimes it looked like the Tigers had no guts at all. For more than half of the game, the Auburn Tigers weren't just getting beat. They were losing. And losing it. Defeated. Manhandled. Overpowered. Outsmarted. Outcoached. Outscored. Taken to the outhouse. Or in this case, taken to the Pig Pen.

I hate to lose.

Finally, after getting a little bit of respect in the media….after getting a little positive press for the head coaching hire….the good guys from the Plains of Alabama reverted back to that same old condition they had WAY too many times under Tuberville: they couldn’t handle the success. Arkansas, with the worst defense in the SEC going into the game, looked like a pros. Auburn’s offense looked like The Tony Franklin System reincarnated. Somebody, PLEASE, throw out the trash and make sure those three ring binders with that dadburn system gets tossed with it!!!

For every sickening minute --- and yes, I watched EVERY sickening minute --- I said over and over to myself: “I hate to lose.”

I don’ t have anything to say about gut-check time, getting back on the right track, overcoming adversity, moving on, playing better, being shorthanded, being young, not having many scholorship players, or any other cliché about the future of Auburn Football. Right now I just have a pit in my stomach. I hate to lose.

I guess I should say something positive to Arkansas and Coach Bobby Petrino, especially after the blog I wrote a few days ago. O.K…….here goes. I’ll quote another great sports philosopher, the great Yogi Berra. Here’s the quote for you, Coach Petrino, and for your Hogs: “You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.”

WJLaneSR

Can you smell that smell??

I don’t know when grunge became cool. They say it has something to do with Seattle and a dead guy named Cobain. I don’t know when it became acceptable to use horrendously bad language in public….especially in front of women. I don’t know when hearing “F-bombs” dropped no longer brought embarrassment. I DO know this; call me old-fashioned, but my ears still turn red and I still duck my head when I hear that bomb dropped.

The behavior of some people is analogous to walking around in a cloud of dust, sprinkling dirt on all they come in contact with. They seem to be happily dirty. They don’t try to explain it. They don’t try to hide it. They don’t try to fight it. For them, it is a part of their character, and a fact of their life. In many ways, their behavior is as slovenly filthy as Pigpen from the Snoopy comic strip. But whereas Pigpen was kind of cute in his dirty ways, other people are not. They're just nasty.

Maybe that’s why Bobby Petrino is a good fit for Arkansas. They are Pigpen central. Home of the Razorbacks. Chitterling country. Can you smell the Pig Sty?

You certainly can when you observe Petrino’s behavior. This past week the Southeastern Conference has been debating the “Excessive Celebration” rule. Really, it is an “Unsportsmanlike Conduct” rule. And if you look up the words “unsportsmanlike conduct” in the dictionary, you will find a picture of Bobby Petrino. Oh, he may have a great offensive mind, but his demeaner is simply offensive.

Not only is he a sojourner coach looking for his next gig, he has one of the filthiest mouths in all of football. When ESPN or CBS has a Hogs game, they cannot show Petrino more than a couple of seconds without showing, in glaring and colorful clarity, F-Bombs, the Lord's name in vain, and other words being mouthed out toward coaches, referees, players and the camera. Cover your kids eyes and ears when he is being shown and turn down the volume. Mama, you don’t wanna hear this!

My mother would have taken a bar of Dial soap and a fingernail brush to his tongue. That smell in Razorback stadium isn’t from the Boar Hog they have down by the endzone, it is the stench that comes from Petrino’s mouth over on the sideline. As Jack, who worked in the Machine Shop at Columbus Mill, used to say about a Plant Engineer: “That man sho’ can cuss!”

Tomorrow, Auburn plays the Hogs in Fayett-nam. I hope they packed a lot of soap for the trip, because even though there is an artificial rug for the turf, there will be plenty of filth flying around that will need to be scrubbed off.

War Eagle!
WJLaneSR

Vol-In-Tears

“I have a perfect horror of words that are not backed up by deeds.”

Those were the words of Teddy Roosevelt spoken at Oyster Bay, New York in July, 1915. Roosevelt didn’t like people who “talked big”. In fact, during his term as the governor of the state of New York, he fought privately with Tom Platt, the party chairman, over a political appointment. Platt came out publicly in the paper and said, “I’m going to ruin Roosevelt!”

Of course, that didn’t happen, Roosevelt went on to run for the Presidency, and eventually won. Platt was basically never heard from again.

Over the last 6-8 months, a lot of noise has come from Old Rocky Top. “We’re going to sing Rocky Top all night long in Gainesville after we beat Florida in the Swamp.” “We’ve closed the recruiting gates to Memphis.” In fact, Lane Kiffen has become the Mouth of the South.

The Volunteer Nation bought into the boy with a golden tongue. They ate the orange jello he was selling. They were infused with a dose of the citrus vitamin.

Then came the disease which seemed to permeate Neyland Drive.

Hoof and Mouth Disease. This disease causes painful blisters in the mouth and on the palms of the hands. It can, and often is, passed from one person to another. The blisters begin in the mouth, causing lesions that get on the hands. Much like spewing venom from the mouth and settles on the hands.

You could also call it “The Lane Kiffen Disease”. For all his venom spewing, it seemed to settle on the hands of his receivers. I am sure that is why they couldn’t catch a ball that was thrown to them. Maybe they should have stayed away from the orange kool-aid.

While all of that citronic clutter was being heaved from the rocky summit, down on the Plains all was quiet. Just work. Hard work.

When asked what was going on down there, the response was only: “We’re just doing what we do.” Do What We Do. DWWD. The Gene Chizic motif.

The showdown in Knoxtown was the tale of two programs. Hype, hoopla, Big Orange. Low key, quiet, flying under the radar Big Blue. I was there.

The final score was Auburn 26 – Tennessee 22. The game wasn’t that close. The Vols were dying from Hoof and Mouth disease. And Auburn was taking a page out of Teddy Roosevelt’s bag of quotes.

When asked about the incident with Tom Platt, his response was: “I have always been fond of the West African proverb: Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”

Under Chizic, that’s what Auburn does. Kiffen, on the other hand, continues the truth of the old Southeastern Conference proverb: “No fruit sucks like the Big Orange.”

War Eagle!
WJLaneSR