Drugs and Keys

I have been on some really good drugs this week. After spending the better part of a day in the emergency room with a kidney stone, and trying to get some relief with lesser drugs, the E.R. Doc finally had the nurse give me morphine. After that, I didn't feel the pain of the stone any longer, the pain of getting taken to the woodshed by LSU, or any other pain. In fact, I felt no pain at all. Morphine was the key to giving me some much needed relief. And thank God for that key.

Speaking of keys, there must be hundreds of books, pamphlets and DVD’s on the subject “Keys to Success.” I did a google search and came up with “Keys to success in marriage”, “Keys to success in business”, “Keys to success in life.” There were keys to success in dieting, financial management, attitude, career, motivation….the list goes on and on. Whenever I hear a phrase beginning “here are the keys to success in….” I think to myself, “does this mean that the answers were always in the box we carry around? Do we already have the answers and someone else just needs to open them up for us?” Sounds kinda metaphysical to me.

Rather than opening up a box today, I want to look around the box. Maybe it's the remnants of the morphine keeping my head a little fuzzy, but rather than giving you what I think are the keys necessary for Auburn to be successful against Ole Sis on Saturday, I am going to give you some non-essential skeleton keys that MIGHT just make the difference. Here are my skeleton keys for success:

Ole Miss is known for their cheer “Hotty Toddy”. A hotty toddy, according to Exquecher Rolls of Scotland, is a mixed drink of Scotch and water served hot so that it is more palatable to women. The word “toddy” comes from the Scottish “Tod’s Well”, which supplies Edinburgh with water.
Auburn, on the other hand, has “Bodda Getta”. Let’s be honest, here. You can’t really shout “bodda getta” without a belly full of Blue Ribbon Beer or Jack Daniels. There ain’t any “hottie toddy….hootsie tootsie” at Auburn. And at the end of the day, which one would you rather bring with you to a bar fight?

Next, Auburn has the champion mascot, “Aubie”. Aubie has been the College National Mascot Champion six (6) times since 1980. He has finished in the top five another seventeen (17) times. Aubie has made appearances on every major television channel, and is an ambassador for Auburn University.

Colonel Reb, on the other hand, died an ungraceful death. Ole Miss doesn’t use him anymore. He was bringing disgrace to their hallowed school for learned Mississippians. You might remember him: the white bearded old man wearing a wide-brimmed hat and carrying a cane. He was the mascot that caused websites to pop up everywhere calling for a boycott of “everything Ole Miss” because he was too much like a plantation owner. Unlike James Dean, Colonel Reb became “a rebel without a cause” and he became “Ole Dis-Missed”.

Finally, isn’t it interesting that the University of Mississippi is found in a town called “Oxford”? Somehow, those two words just don’t seem to go together….Oxford…Mississippi. As I recall from my grade school education I received in Alabama, this would be called an oxymoron. Two words of contradictory meaning used together for a special effect, such as “wise fool”, or “legal murder”. Another would be “Oxford, Mississippi”. Of course, it would probably be safe to say that most people in Mississippi wouldn’t know an oxymoron if it hit them, and in fact, probably think it is a stupid beast of burden who needs to be yoked and plowed.

Again, you just don’t have that with “Auburn, Alabama”.

And which one would you rather take to a bar fight. Someone from "Oxford", or someone from "Auburn"??

Call it drug induced dillusions, or call it guessing, I am tossing these skeleton keys on the floor.

I am boldly predicting an upset on the early afternoon Plains. The keys, when scattered on the floor, say “Auburn 27 – Ole Miss 24”.

And that’s as scientific as I can get it.

WJLaneSR